Since my 'retirement', at the back end of last year, I've stayed away from the Daily Mail website. One can only take the smell of boiling piss and the keyboard damage from niagara nosebleeds for so long … but, against my better judgement, I thought I'd take a sneaky peek today.
Big mistake. Big fucking mistake.
Tendering District Council, in conduction with Essex Police, are hunting down drivers who light up cigarettes in their company cars by smoking them out with 'sniffer wardens'. No. Really. I shit you not. They're even setting up roadblocks and everything. What the buggery bollocks is that all about! Haven't this bunch of anti-smoking zealots got anything better to spend their resources on? Like catching, burglars, rapists, kiddy fiddlers, MPs that rip off taxpayers via their expense claims and apprehending that silicone chested chav, Katie Jordan Price, before she crashes into someone else with that fucking Range Rover of hers!
Nope. Apparently not. Fuck me, I remember the day when the filth would pull you over and tap on the window, gesticulating for you to wind it down, so that he could have a sniff for the signs of alcohol on your breath. Nowadays it appears they want to sniff you out for snout and check your ashtrays for ash. (do they still have those in cars?) I can only imagine they're all desperate to find another cash cow now that the other money making machine, the fixed speed camera, is on the decline. Can't think of any other viable reason. Can you?
After all, aren't the companies whose company cars these drivers are supposed to be smoking in, supposed to be monitoring all that kind of stuff. And where the fuck is the victim in this victimless crime, when most company car drivers drive company cars with no other company for company. Fuck 'em. Put your foot down and fuck off. They can't do you for speeding so easily now either.
And while we are on the subject of smoking … I see that it's the 2011 No Smoking Day, a week today, on Wednesday 9th March and seeing as I'll be long gone by then I thought I'd fire up the Zippo and throw some light on the subject. As I have mentioned in past years, I'm actually a non-smoker, but I'll be fucked if I'm going to stand by and continue to see my fellow mans' (fuck you Harman - not literally, obviously) freedom of choice stifled by do-gooding-quango-fucktards trying to ram 'no cigarettes' down their throats.
I have a better idea .. as usual. As an occasional betting man I'm not averse to the occasional 'double or quit' scenario. So, why not double this year, on National No Smoking Day, instead of quitting. Last year, I bought a pack of cigarettes and lit them all up in support but on reflection that was a bit of a waste of cigarettes. This year I intend to buy a couple of packs of twenty, for my two best mates, and help them both to double up for the day. Sorted!
+++ UPDATE +++
Inspired by an excellent idea in the comments, from Joe Public, I thought it might be a good idea to hang one of these from your rear view mirror. That should confuse the fuck out of those small minded "sniff wardens" ;-)