Such a prescient, beautiful sentiment.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

A Plotters' Dinner Party.

An Intimate Gathering.

Ed Grommet was petrified. As he struggled between tying his dick’s bow and Hoovering the dressing table with a straw, he could not concentrate. Would Lordy Snake bring an escort hired for the evening or an embarrassing pseudo son? Would Androgyny Cask dress seductively as a boy or try to look like Caravan Horse? Would her sperm donor, Blinky Bollocks, dress properly or wear that toga Lordy so loves him in? His hand shook as he steadied the Hoover with an enormous snort.
Then another potential etiquette nightmare overwhelmed him. Davos Manylegs, his erstwhile sibling, so the hospital told his Mum, in Estonia, wear his chain of office? He hated that weird, phallic shaped, black, heavy rubber pendant. Yet he knew how much Davos was aware that Lordy got off on it.
Then, above all else was the secrecy. What if his Master were to find out these guests were to attend this feast? Yes, the cost was irrelevant; it was down to the Ministry’s ecological budget and green tax bonanza. Yet all this could backfire if some other Aintworthalot type found out about this potential coven of plotters.
The phone jangled with a teddy bears picnic noise of what bears do in woods. He grabbed the oriental pipe that was his private mobile. Oh, thank the Lord of Everything; his Master was in the bunker and not to be disturbed. Ten wooden equines had been shipped in, a laundry basket of huge volume from Mother care also seen and better still the Nokia Corporate sales director had been spotted at The Savoy ordering champagne.
He finished dressing. The elongated pumps were OK, the Andy Pandy suit perfect with the red flag Dickie bow. He skipped downstairs to await his guests.
As he reached the expensively, indeed opulent entrance hall his heart rejoiced. Polish waiters scurried back and forth. A group of pageboys hovered by the door to await the guest of honour and plotter extraordinaire. Massive platters of caviar and smoked salmon were proceeding to the dining room the size of a helicopter hangar when such edifices used to exist.
Everything was so perfect. The Butler, dressed like a female character from The Story of O my Goodness was also loitering near the door. He felt a perfect balance from the household dust he had so expertly hoovered up; nothing could go wrong, could it? The doorbell chimed its Big Ben tones.

To be continued…………………

Grommet and Lady Grommet to be, greet their guests?


  1. He hated that weird, phallic shaped, black, heavy rubber pendant. Yet he knew how much Davos was aware that Lordy got off on it.


  2. Witty but you have a mind like a sewer.

  3. I thought it was great. I always like your satire OR because there's never any bile, sex or hint of the unsavoury. :)

  4. you have a mind like a sewer."

    After 12 years of this so called Government and my advancing, pension robbed ageing, what is there left?

    Subrosa, kind as ever, did you read this post? (chuckle

  5. You get more outrageous by the day! The pictures you paint in my head as I read your vivid portrayals of life in labour lalaland are most disturbing :)

    I love it!

  6. Bless you, Sue. I hope to continue this when they are in opposition!

  7. As surreal as it may seem, it's far closer to reality than one dares to think!

  8. Surreal? It doesn't seem in the least surreal to me. This is exactly what these foul cretins are like. I thought OR had lifted it from repsectable newspaer until I realised that there is no such thing any more. Only then did I suspect that he was the author of the report.

    Thinks - I've been getting a bit even more abusive lately. I should cut people some slack. There are good people in the HoC. There must be. Surely to God - what happened to the law of averages. Oh, it's not that kind of a law.

    Vile, foul, repressed fudge-packers the lot of them. Blair too - did you know that - yes - Blair too - oh just look at his ugly wife...

  9. Afternoon, Jim. There are some good folk in the HoC, I believe. I like Frank Field and Ian Duncan Smith, to name two. I also respect and am beginning to like David Cameron and by association many of his choices for The Shadow Cabinet like William Hague. One must bear in mind that A Government Front Bench, after The Election a few short months away, may look very different. Mind you there are some great folk out in blogger land!

  10. 'Afternoon Jim'

    Given the forgoing, British stoicsim at its best. I laughed a lot at your Ed Grommet piece but not as hard as that one made me laugh.

    My respects - and thanks - again.

  11. Yes, yes yes. OK. Rosy has noticed than I'm on a downer. A really bad one.

    It's not personal, it's not about me. I don't care about me. It's about hatred for what these poofs are doing to our wonderful country.

  12. I wish no harm to anyone. But I believe in my country. I want it back. I would say that, by any measure, my views are on the far right but stopping short of totalitarianism. I am a democrat. I hate fascism. But I believe that I shall come, in time, to be seen as too moderate.

  13. It may not be enough, JB but you are not alone!

  14. Thanks OR. You made me laugh out loud earlier today - something that is hard to make me do.

    I needed it. Won't forget.