The despair Of The British nation.

Saturday, 9 February 2013

As Forwarded To Clarinda!



Alerts To Threats In Central Europe




The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Tunisia and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "F - - k Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British Army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


4 comments:

Oatcake said...

Funniest comment I have read for a long time, thanks for sharing, still laughing.

opinion prole said...

The EU announced that its lowest alert level of 'Ignore Referendums' and the next higher one 'Sign Another Treaty' were passed some time ago. We are now at the more urgent level of 'Demand Higher Budgets'. If that is ineffective we shall reach the unprecedented crisis level of 'Secret Ballot among MEPs'. At that stage there will be no hope for anyone involved.

opsimath said...

Very nice! Thank you for brightening a dull morning; I'll make certain this one gets around!

Clarinda said...

Additionally I've read that -
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies - just in case ...

John Cleese said "Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."