The despair Of The British nation.

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Diary from America.

Wednesday morning, ever so early.




DearDiary,

This Maggie thing about four hours sleep a night really bugs me. I only manage half an hour. About the same time as that terrible ordeal with Obama. What cretin suggested a pen from the timber of a ship last known to have belted seven broadsides of crap and cannon at his bloody Great Grandfather. Wait until I get back, heads will roll. Didn’t they realise how touchy he is on that matter. I have to do everything myself. Thank God I’ve got Jeeves to keep my trousers out of my socks, bless him. Brilliant with the nappysan bucket. What a find.
Well, I tossed and turned even when my eye was closed. I went over and over this speech for today. I should be rewriting it now but I do enjoy my diary better. I still can’t stop wondering about that meeting. He seemed pleasant enough but he did hog it a bit. When I was to speak he waved in my direction but no eye to eye contact hardly at all. As for when we were strolling to the, I think it was the pool suite, although sounded more like shower, all he droned on about was Tony said this and Tony’s doing that. Not a word about Sarah’s Top Shop cheap clothes for his kids.
I also couldn’t lose from my mind leaping out of my chair. That was embarrassing; I thought he was standing up at the same time. He just sat there with a very strange expression on his face. I was frozen. I suppose sitting back in the chair was the correct thing to do, and then he got up. Oh it was awful, my trousers were soaked and not just with sweat. Still the camera was off by then hopefully.
Ah well over now until The G20 bash in April. I can play the great leader and host to the World. I’ll show him how it’s done. I’ll borrow billions from the save Africa fund if I have to. What’s a few quid extra? What a wheeze. Talk about sums unimaginable and the populace don’t realise when we nick a bit more off them.
Now this speech. What tone, oh no that bloody name again, should I adopt? I think I’ll push how I saved the Global financial markets and Obbie is copying my example. All the money raised from the drug cartels, people smugglers and fraudster bankers can be distributed to all and sundry. Why bother with an ungrateful electorate at home. All they have to do is cough up even more taxes. That stealth tax scheme and still they don’t see it. Fish in a barrel.
Somebody suggested humility. Twat seems determined to lose his job. Well good old Ben gave it to them on that Politics show. Brilliant BBC. The fragrant Ben, some Asian Tory and “Toilets”. Two to one as ever. Worth a bonus to that lot.
Now this speech. Bloody hell, I’m not dressed yet and only 45 minutes to go.
Right, I’ll make it as long as it can be. I’ll go for the big bore approach. It can then be seen as UN style statesmanship. Great piles of piffle, hot air, platitudes and under no circumstances suggest it began in America. I’ll plead how The Globalised New World order may have got us in this almighty and vast cess pit of financial effluent but heh, more of the same is what I’m good at.
Wonder if I should wear a nappy, I am quite nervous and perhaps increase the Largactil dosage since it seemed to be too little yesterday.


"Jeeves"............................

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Great piles of piffle, hot air, platitudes and under no circumstances suggest it began in America."

Bloody hell, it really is his diary! Almost exactly as predicted.

Sue said...

It really ended up just being a "arse crawl" to the US didn't it and then virtual "best friend" begging.. it was thoroughly sickening. I was quite embarrassed watching it. Great diary entry :)

Sue said...

Do "Tena" make pads for blokes too?

Oldrightie said...

Do "Tena" make pads for blokes too?

Try a FOI request to Number 10!

The Penguin said...

Nice